yes , i am not fine

yes , i am not fine...

the smile on my face is completely fake...i am not happy from inside...and i know nobody else can make me happy but myself...but i have lost all the strength...its just not working anymore ..my heart skips a beat every now and then..when i am talking less , i am normal , when i do not talk at all , it means i had enough...i have broken into pieces ...my heart lies like shattered pieces of glass...

what was my fault in all this ? why do i have to live without you ? why have three months extended to six months ? just cause i did managed to stay away....why do i love you so much !!


i can't think about good things when nothing good is happening around .....things would be perfect..things would be good..but WHEN ???

will you ?

Will you still love me even if I’m not perfect? Will you still love me even if I’m not the kind of person you wished I were? Will you still look into my eyes with warmth even if you saw my shadows? Will you still hold my hand even if you knew there will be times I’d let you down?


Sometimes I 'd be silent and I might bore you.I would not always be able to make you smile.You might not enjoy my company everytime.. Sometimes I’d get troubled and I’d fail to put into words what the hell it is that troubles me.I had like to keep things to myself and not sharing every bit of my life with you.Sometimes,I had hurt you badly and be a reason for your tears although I would never hurt you knowingly.

I’d demand things ,I shouldn’t, I’d say things I shouldn’t say. And no matter how much I desire to protect you and make you happy, sometimes I’d be the one who’d cause you the most pain.At times,I would not be interested to listen to what you ahve to say as there could be blunders going in my mind.There would be times ,I would listen unattentively and would want you not to notice it.

If you will love me I cannot promise you that I will not hurt you. I cannot promise you that I will not make you cry and that I’ll never break your heart.. If you will love me, you can be certain that it is I that you will love, not a mask that fools you and gives you only what your eyes desire to see.I would love you from all my heart and might be my soul too.I would give you the best I can and best I could be.I would never keep any hard feelings for you in my heart and would let them out whenever they erupt.You will see the most beautiful things in my eyes when love filled in them.If you will love me, you can be certain that you will love the depths of me, all of me that is in me, and I in turn will love you with all of me...

searching for happiness

i have everything i want in my life ,
things happen as i wanted them to happen ,
people are good to me , at least on my face ,
but something or someone is still missing ...is it angel ? or something else...

i have everything yet i am not happy...my smile is just movement of my lips and not an expression of my heart..i stay aloof , i stay alone ...

i am not myself with people around..i am a strange , unknown girl with them..

is it love lacking in my life ?

is it i am lost in wilderness ? is it i am fooling myself that things are happening as i want them to happen....

am i afraid of days to come ? am i expecting too much from present ? does my past still haunt me ?

i am not able to understand myself...what am i wanting to happen ? what is that constantly reminds me i am not a happy girl i used to be....why am i all fine , yet broken in to pieces inside...

i feel like the unread pages of a book which lie waiting to be read and understood and brought to an happy ending....

letter to someone far away...

My Baby ,

You make me restless...Don't show me how much you wana come back...it makes my heart skip a beat...

Sometimes , I am selfish , I do not consider the fact that i have my family and friends here , i can blog all my worries and pains , but my baby is all alone in an alien world.....

I know you do not say at times , but you 're missing me each moment...

I know your silence speaks aloud..

Things would be much better than we had dreamed about....trust me ..

Yours ,
Love

bag full of emotions

My heart is like a bag full of emotions....of all kinds..

amazed at myself..i can feel all the emotions in a single day///

early morning .. i got up with this biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig smile....i tell myself each day i am going to have a wonderful dayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy although its true not always..

had a fight with Angel yesterday...it annoys me when its day here , its night there....when i feel romantic , he is in hurry to reach office....when he is in lovely mood , i am pissed off at office...eeaaaakkkkk.....

a few hours later , i am with my irky boss...DK BOSE....who makes me go.....mad...

few more hours ...one of my closest friend who recently started dating  a girl after being in one sided love with a girl since quite a few years..oh..i am so..so...so..happy for him...

may be i am meeting his new gf at evening today....

One of my family friends and me had naughty chit chat about our bf's...we girls love talking about it where guys love doing it.....

so...current mood is naughty...saucy and spicy......

and i am sure by the time i leave office and i reach home , there are new emotions waiting in my bag....

worried sister ...

Its important to love ourselves...even when we fail to love others..

strong believer of the fact that if you can't love yourself , you can't love anyone else !!


I am worried for my sis these days...this is the first time i am mentioning her in my blogs...as we always are " tom and jerry " according to Angel...always after each other..


she is a very silent girl...i doubt she speaks to herself...she never says what she wants...she kind of lives in a fear , fear of being rejected , fear of not being loved....her solitude scares me....i am a kind of girl who can't live alone..although , at times loneliness is all i need but its one of the fears of my life...


and i have seen her as a lonely soul..


the result of her loneliness is utter desolation...she seems to have a strong belief her life would be same...


we are just two poles apart....i always tell her I treat myself like a princess...and i get what i want...all you need is change your thoughts..but as if she doesn't believes me...


at times i hate her..i wish i never had a sister , but deep inside i know i do care for her..i want her to be happy...to fly high....


moving aside...i am deeply passionate about cosmetics these days....as i had always been a plain , simple looking girl..these colors in eye shadow , mascara , kajal , lip gloss are attracting me...i am experimenting with lots of brands and lots of make up...specially in lip glosses...


i can't sum up in words how much i wana wrap angel in my arms..I love Indian Weddings...Kangna , if you are familiar with is a played by newly married husband and wife where they search for a ring in a pot filled with water or milk with rose petals .The one who claims to find the ring the maximum number of times is considered to be the one dominant in relationship.


i adore this ceremony....i told angel , i want to win here ;)  i guess , i would be the first indian girl who tells her bf ( would be hubby ) to loose the game for her ;) 


angel loves me for my innocence and childish nature....so , why leave it ?

meeting of two souls...

The bliss of holding hands with your love !!!


I believe physical intimacy has much more to it than pleasures of body...its love between two souls ..Its spiritual as being termed in ancient times...I am ancient in many ways..i do not much belong to the world i am born ....either i am in past ages , being nostalgic or i am looking inside future....




I consider physical intimacy more as emotional and spiritual  than physical...

m dying....

I am dying each day without him now.....

I have realized not everyone is happy to know i am happy....

My own friends are jealous of the fact that he and me would be married soon...

touch wood....I have reached this stage of madness in love that hell do i care....i can let go everyone to have him....

hell do i care.....

oh...i am so annoyed and frustrated.....my words seem to be inspired from a devil.....

all i know is my patience is over....i can't stay away from my love anymore.....

omg...i wana go mad !!

yeps.....I wana go mad in love !!1

could be the lovely rains outside....

could be the PMS mood swings.....

could be the lovely dreams each night......

could be the thoughts of getting married soon...

could be the fb love box " engagement " and " happy marriage"....

anything of the above could be the reason....but all i wana do is go mad.....go mad making love with you......